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note for nervousness people ...   
07:07pm 24/05/2002
 
mood: nervous
... who might think i eat objects, because honest i don't!!

i have put a note on my address on the nervousness site, this is to say SKIP ME on LMAOs until further notice, please. i think i have 4 in my possession at the moment, and they will be sent on shortly, and i just can't take on any others right now.

here are a few reasons why my mind is not on nervousness.org at the moment:

a] i'm getting a divorce. these things happen.

b] i start a new fabulous job in 2 weeks time, and i'll be really busy as a result.

c] i'm moving soon, but they still haven't sent a date thru so i don't know when.

it's just all stress and being busy at the moment, and tho i like LMAOs i don't want to hold any more up than i already have. if anyone feels the need to leave me negative feedback for being slow, ok, but i am at least explaining why.

thanks so much everyone and DEEPEST apologies for my delays.

beatchik xx
 
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oh for fuck's sake!   
08:34pm 07/05/2002
 
mood: busy
i still can't access nervousness.org. this is really pissing me off and if i get any negative feedbacks for this [i.e. lack of communication] i will not be happy! has anyone else been having problems accessing the site? please let me know. i shouldn't get this stressed over a HOBBY! but i AM! arghhhhhh.

happy tho - cos i went to gravesend today where i will be moving in a very few short weeks .. and i enquired about a job at Serendipity. looks like they're actually looking for people! it's an occult / new age / spirituality / magick store -- and i have never been so excited about writing out a resume in my life! they're seemingly enthusiastic about me applying, and that's a good thing. a good & SURPRISING thing, as when i enquired at the new age shops in devon they turned their noses up at me. well, i don't spend all this time studying magick, divination and spirituality so it can all just float out the other side of my head -- i do know somewhat what i'm on about! and if i don't, i'm more than willing to learn what they need me to know!

wish me luck my friends! :] this is something happy where work is concerned -- that's never happened before!

well i'm off now, all these sparse and short entries but i gotta write my resume. Rima said she didn't want to hear about all my old jobs and whatnot, she's primarily interested in my interests! wowee ... amazing stuff.

love & poison .. b.
 
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update for my nervous people..   
11:07pm 06/05/2002
 
mood: stressed
... i've been really REALLY busy the last week because i have friends over from america. now, i try to access the nervousness.org website for the first time i've been able to in about 4 days, and it won't let me -- says the server is down?! so i'm just letting anyone who reads my livejournal know that i am getting my LMAOs and exchanges out on wednesday .. the ones i haven't sent yet. and i have received working class but can't update :/ and i still haven't received sickeningly perky .. i'm very stressed about all this & am not actually letting anyone down, there's just a lot going on. so if laura, rory or ursula, or even kyu reads this, and anyone is complaining about my lateness on nervousness, please let them know what's up! i am trying :/

cheers my dears, i'll be back on track shortly!!

love and poison .. b.
 
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stole this from jillykillroy cos it's so damn cool   
01:30pm 29/04/2002
 
mood: crazy
Pick a band and answer using only that band's lyrics.

0. Band:

suede

1. Are you male or female?

..she -- shaking up the karma..

2. Describe yourself:

..pornographic and tragic
in black and white..


..she's as similar as you can get
to the shape of a cigarette..


3. How do they feel about you?

..maybe it's our kookiness
but we're trash
you and me
we're the litter on the breeze
we're the lovers on the streets..


4. How do you feel about yourself?

..well if your baby's going crazy
that's how you made me..


5. Describe your girlfriend/boyfriend?

..like the leaves on the trees
like the carpenter's song
like the planes and the trains
and the lives that were young
he's gone
and it feels like the words to a song..


6. What would you rather be doing?

..We could go dancing, we could go walking,
we could go shopping, we could keep talking,
we could go drinking, we could sit thinking,
we could go speeding, or we could go dreaming, see?


7. Describe where you live.

..europe is our playground
london is our town
so run with me baby now..


8. Describe how you love.

..cos that's where i go
and that's what i do
and that's how it feels
when the sex turns cruel
yes both of us need her
this is the asphalt world..


.."i would die for the stars"
she said..


9. Share a few words of wisdom.

..you might live in a screen kiss
it's a glamorous dream
or belong to a world that's gone
it's the english disease..
 
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*hums theme to "casualty"* .. fucking hell!   
05:32pm 26/04/2002
 
mood: drained
yes here is the story of one family's evening at the hospital and why my husband is NOT mel gibson's character from the lethal weapon films ...

last night paul had barricaded himself in this room with the computer with a radiator that is no longer attached to any wall. he wanted to listen to some new cds and keep the animals out and not have joanne and me barging in on him & let's face it - annoying him! ha! - every five minutes. and since the door to this room doesn't close properly, he had to prop the radiator against it.

well i was downstairs listening to the new soft cell songs and i was well excited because paul told me the new remix of "say hello wave goodbye" is really good -- so i listened to it, and it IS really good ..! so i ran upstairs to talk to him about it and i knocked on the door: "PAUL! let me in! PAUL!" and i push on the door a little bit, it won't budge. "Paul!" i push the door harder and hear / feel a massive CRASH! on the other side. "hang on hang on don't push the door anymore" -- chaos ensues for five minutes because i don't know what's happened and paul won't open the door .. so i manage to work my way in and pick up - i have no fucking idea how i managed to do it - the radiator and toss it against the wall, only to see my husband in the middle of the room holding his left arm and saying he's going to throw up, in amongst piles of cds which have crashed to the floor thanks to my overzealous shoving of the door.

i yelled for joanne sometime before this and she is there and she's calling the doctor out. i lead paul into her room because he says he wants to lie down and he does lie down on jo's bed and then he says he's going to throw up AGAIN and i'm like "ahhh wait not on your sister's floor!" and shove a laundry basket under his face, but he doesn't get sick. and we're asking where's the pain? where? does your chest hurt? did you fall? and he's saying "i've gotta pop it back in!" and we're like what?! and he's like "MY ARM MY ARM" ...

so we come to the conclusion he tried to catch the radiator and he collided with it as he fell on it. a bad thing. we call 999 and an ambulance comes, and i get in the ambulance with him to lewisham hospital. Paul has a dislocated shoulder. the "i gotta pop it back in" was him knowing it was dislocated and trying to pull a Mel and put it back .. but my god! no! .. the doctors do though. he gets priority treatment in the emergency room as he was in so much pain and pretty much the most serious case at that time, but it still takes until 2.15AM to get him all sorted out and home again. we got there at about 9.30 - 10.00PM ..!

he is now home, sleeping with his arm in a sling and lots of pain pills. i am the wife who stayed home from work to coddle him :] i'm also completely and utterly exhausted and my eyes and throat feel gritty. i can't even keep writing this journal entry. i need some coca cola and to finish picking up all the crap i knocked on the floor with my super-human-radiator-bashing strength.

aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrggggggggh.

love & poison .. b.
 
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oh look, another one!!   
08:40pm 24/04/2002
 
mood: dorky


take free enneagram test



yeh that's me, i'm a fucked-up four! ;p
 
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and some quiznits for good measure ...   
08:07pm 24/04/2002
 
mood: amused
cute! --





and this next one - what a total LIE! haha --





and finally - hell yeah dude --


What Flavour Are You? Buzz buzz, I am Coffee flavoured.Buzz buzz, I am Coffee flavoured.


I am popular in the workplace, even though I am often bitter. I am energetic to the point of being frenetic; buzz buzz, out of my way. I tend to overwork myself and need periods of recovery time. What Flavour Are You?


and that is the end of the quiz taking shindig for now. bye bye.
 
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*so i made a big mistake, try to see it once my way*   
07:29pm 24/04/2002
 
mood: chipper
gah. double-gah. i'm in a good mood sort of. i know it's because i have fab friends and here's why --

I GOT JANNYKINS' LETTER! fina-fucking-ly! i just knew the postal bitches would eat it, but they didn't. yeah and she sent me the dead dm rats picture which is just the biggest honor ever bestowed upon my humble little self. Jan's dead dm rats rock the house, and my socks, and my world too. all those rockable things. CHEERS JAN! *big smiles* 2 letters, the rats and an "I HATE FLORIDA" customized postcard. Jan, if you read this, it was worth the wait!

but i just read said friend's journal and i did NOT know Layne Staley died!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *points to self* child of grunge here! not happy :( one of my favourite songs of all time is "Would?". i used to spend many angst-filled hours curled up in the sanctity of my bedroom being soothed by AIC ... now that's 2 frontmen from the seattle bands that saved me - GONE! damn heroin and suicidal tendencies [no not the band .. kurt's ones]. LET THIS BE A WARNING to chris cornell - if you die, i shall never recover. yes, i adored him and he is the one who kept me going at the truly worst point in my life .. the one that went on for years and i couldn't do anything about it.

i thought layne staley was getting off heroin. oh. sigh. this is so sad.

so now i'm rambling on about grunge and who i don't want to die and i hadn't intended on writing about all that. but it needed to be said. oh. oh oh. *frowns*

layne and kurt both died in april. hm.

funny cos when i went out with claire on saturday, the jukebox was really good and we got to hear SP, Hole and Nirvana and we were both just like "i think i'll be a grunger in my heart forever" ... so anyway, i second Jan's RIP Layne.

anyway onto other things ... as i mentioned i DID meet claire and she was super-cool, and i wasn't shy after all. i think i mistake fear for actual shyness. i talk more to cover up my shyness, then i'm not shy. oh well. i was still scared of seeming like an idiot! but everything went well, apart from the fact that everyone in the Red Lion [pub] was SO YOUNG!! eeesh. it was full of people who couldn't have been any older than 15! so claire and i felt old at 21! ah well. it was a laugh.

the kiley countdown: 3 days!! 3 days! my best mate will be here in 3 days! with her lovely self and damien, who i don't know - and KOOL AID! because you can't get kiley, damien or kool aid in the uk on a regular basis, no siree! *beams* i'm so happy!

today from work i got 20 3.5" floppy disks for FREE - and what the best bit is, they have Mr. Men characters on them. i now feel the inspiration to crack down on my bad self and make some stories and essays and bits and bobs to actually save onto my funky disks. the disks have made me happy.

Paul and i ... i don't want to talk about. I'm ok with things, but things are not ok with me. it makes sense, trust me. i'm just going along on an even keel and letting him have some time and space to think. it's for the best. we love each other very much but these things take time.

i haven't cut myself in over a week. BEATCHIK IS THE QUEEN! *smiles* i feel better not having done it. but i've wanted to at certain points. now all i need to do is stop wanting to eh!

i'm feelin' the joys of spring, yo. sunshine and warmth, everyday. even here in london. i'm impressed.

but we've still got
love & poison .. b.
 
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in honor of kiley coming to england ...   
10:34am 23/04/2002
 
mood: bouncy
..i took these wicked SP tests out of ursula's journal :D kiley loves the pumpkins. [and i love them too of course!]

look look! James Iha! how happy am i? :D we all know he is the cutest pumpkin. [no kiley, not everyone fancies goblins you know. hehe]

<td>
[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<text=lightblue>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

..i took these wicked SP tests out of ursula's journal :D kiley loves the pumpkins. [and i love them too of course!]

look look! James Iha! how happy am i? :D we all know he is the cutest pumpkin. [no kiley, not everyone fancies goblins you know. hehe]

<TABLE><TD><text=lightblue><a href="http://members.aol.com/_ht_a/glorybox82/pumpkins/quiz.html"><img src="http://members.aol.com/_ht_a/glorybox82/pumpkins/james4.jpg" border="0"></a></TD><TD><div align=left>
you are the most likely of the smashing pumpkins to lead a happy, normal life. your innate shyness
conceals a wicked sense of humour and a fondness for sweet love songs. <br>
<font size=-2><center><a href="http://members.aol.com/_ht_a/glorybox82/pumpkins/quiz.html">which pumpkin are you?</a></center></font></td></TABLE>

and um, ok, i'm the pumpkins' rarity album, Pisces Iscariot. I AM AN ALBUM! LOOK AT ME!
<TABLE><TD><text=white>
<a href="http://www.pumpkinheads.net/test2/index.html"><img src="http://www.pumpkinheads.net/images/pi.jpg" border="0"></a></TD><TD><div align=left>
Don't look so blue.. or is it green? Don't be sad that you're the<br>
outcast, and jealous that you will never be as important as the<br>
others. You're important to those who know you, you just don't<br>
know it. Or them. Well, of course you know those around you,<br>
it's just that their names get in the way, like a chunk of pretzel<br>
in George W. Bush's trachea. Darla? Carla? Marla? Starla? Does<br>
it really matter? You can always write down these little mementos<br>
for others to read later on, just buy a new typewriter, skippy.
<font size=-2><center><a href="http://www.pumpkinheads.net/test2/index.html">Which Smashing Pumpkins album are you?</a></center></font></td></TABLE>

kiley i hope you see these tests and TAKE THEM! you need 'em. they will make your life even more complete than knowing you are a strange goth :D

my best mate will be in london in ... 4.5 days, roughly. YES! 4.5 days!!! happy happy.
 
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girl afraid ...   
11:44am 22/04/2002
 
mood: anxious
today, thus far, is a pile of shit.

the end.

love and poison .. b.
 
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this is funny ehehe   
09:34am 20/04/2002
 
mood: giggly
Test Results
You think of yourself as being mysterious, comforting, lush, and sexy.
Others think of you as being playful, enigmatic, independent, and magickal.
Your relationships can be described as calm, clear, warm, and soothing.
When stressed, you feel claustrophobic.
Take this test here.
 
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and the spirit of love, is rising within me ..   
08:40am 20/04/2002
 
mood: optimistic
well i'm going out tonight [but i haven't got a stitch to wear .. haha]. i haven't met claire yet, she's a pen pal, but we've been chatting over text and on the phone and i'm certain she's cool. so i'm looking forward to tonight. i'm really shy though so i hope i talk! well, kyu and jan would say i'm not shy but i *feel* shy and that makes a difference!

yesterday i took this "is your salary too low for your IQ" test on AOL that The Guardian [uk newspaper] had run .. it turns out i should be making AT LEAST £50,000 a year. HA HA! won't make that in retail will i? but i didn't go to college so my brain is thus far wasted? anyway though my friend at work and my boss said don't worry, when i write my best-selling novel or two, i will have 50k and more .. haha. one day! but money is not important to me, the fact that my brain is being, i repeat, wasted by working in retail is what bothers me. i didn't actually know until yesterday that my IQ was all that high. i knew it was when i was a kid, but to paraphrase james dean bradfield of manic street preachers, i feel like i've dumbed down as i've grown older. i think most people feel that way.

speaking of manics, i got told yesterday on nervousness that i look like a manics fan! how lovely. a nice compliment, i suppose, as i adore msp.

i'm finally re-reading the Bhagavad Gita. well, i never finished it in the first place because of that messy break-up 4 years ago between myself and eric. my choice, but i did end up throwing his Bhagavad Gita at him, along with a t-shirt and some other nonsense. heh. i should have kept it, seeing as he made off with my first copy of "On The Road"..! he thought he needed it more than me since he was going to hitchhike and road trip and in general "be more of" a beat than i would be, since i was getting married. huh. well news flash, it's not about acting the beat part, it's having a beat heart. and i've still got it.

and .. kyu will appreciate this story .. as my work colleagues and i were walking up the car park stairs to sarah's car, we all narrowly missed skidding into a pile of human poo on the landing!!! so, catford has its own "invisible shitter"... hehe. i just couldn't stop laughing thinking, whoever did that had to actually squat there and have a poo on the carpark stairs. now what does that person do if someone decides to walk up or down the stairs whilst they are in the act of defecating? i mean, do they have lookouts to say "hey stop dumping, someone's coming!" ..? or are they a lone act? the mind boggles. besides, there are more private places to take a dump, and the fact that the person who did it probably lives in one of the council flats off the stairs anyway .. just makes no sense.

thankfully no one stepped on the poo. the end.

anyway that's me for today. i'm in a decent mood and ready for some alcohol tonight. hurrah.

love & poison .. b.
 
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cracked up - stacked up - 22 - psycho for sex & glue...   
10:43am 18/04/2002
 
mood: chipper
ok i'm not 22 yet. give me another 2 months. and i'm not a glue sniffer either .. eesh.

but i'm in a much better mood, higher spirits. i went to the doctor and hurrah - i'm on the waiting list for long-term, once a week therapy at some famous london mental hospital .. maudesley i think? i don't know how to spell it cos i've never heard of it. but i'm not crazy. i just need the counselling because i suffered abuse, and apparently long-term damage was done and why i have zero self-worth / self-esteem on most days. and why i cut myself. it was all too complex to fix in one appointment with Dr. Chen. but she was very helpful all the same, telling me the depression is most likely caused by the outside sources [i.e. parental abuse] and the anxiety is part of who i am .. but ugh i still refuse to take pills. apparently sometimes people break down in therapy and the counselor gives them pills. but i don't want pills. that just makes you chemically dependent.

paul and i are still ok. things will get better. i have absolute faith in that. he said i was brave to go to the doctor and all, that it was a big step. i guess it was .. since i've needed to go for about .. hmm .. 8+ years and would never see a counselor. whatever. i'm going now.

and dude the doctor asked me if i hear people telling me to cut myself. i just said "no" but i felt like saying "I CAN TELL YOU RIGHT NOW I'M NOT SCHIZO!!!" ... sheesh. but i didn't take it personally, they have to ask.

my aol isn't working, so i'm on this stupid pay-by-the-minute emergency internet. arghhh but i needed to write in my journal.

otherwise, in case this is being read by anyone on nervousness, i am slowly but surely posting things, and it shouldn't take me any longer than 1.5 weeks to get caught up. i went to the post office today so that was a good thing.

oh and i've figured out what emo style is. hurrah, it's crap. i dressed "emo" & listenend to weezer in high school but i didn't know what "emo" was. in fact it probably didn't exist. why does everything that could be cool have to have a name to lump everyone together?! eesh.

kiley's over in a week and 3 days! yaaaaaaay! my best mate for the last 6 years finally gets to come to england :D 2 years of planning and it's cool. and saturday i'm going out with claire in gravesend. haven't been out in months. sad life. but v. excited :D must figure out what to wear. eeesh.

ok i'm off.

love & poison - b.
 
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hey ho, let's go! ... nah i think i'll just sit here for a little longer.   
11:25am 16/04/2002
 
mood: morose
oh my gods, i want to know where my fucking brain is today.

i feel so tired, tomorrow i have to have a sick day from work so i can go sit in the doctor's office because jo thinks i can't wait til monday to go. now, i'm not suicidal so i don't see what difference it makes if i cut my arms between now and monday or not, since i won't be *killing* myself. isn't that what matters? keeping the crazy kids alive?

half of my brain thinks it's madness what i'm doing, the other half has perfectly good reasons for it. i just want someone to help me stop feeling rubbish. i mean, i could help myself but i've come to the conclusion i need someone to talk to. that's all.

paul and i seemed to be better last night, but i never know from day to day. he's feeling odd as well, which is just awful, because i keep trying to show him i love him and he doesn't believe me. i know it's all fucked his head up. but i still have faith in us.

gods i wish i was coherent. but i'm not.

love & poison - b.
 
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my cousin looks like joey ramone   
10:56am 16/04/2002
 
mood: apathetic
~*--The You Side--*~

Full name: katherine amanda garrett smith
Are you a slut? no.
Are you a bitch? yes.
Are you an idiot? no!
Nicknames: katey, kate, kat, katey-bear, kit kat kerouac, drusilla/dru, sparkles, and some other ones..
Age: 21
Grade: nope.
GPA: upon graduation it was a 2.9 .. talk about some senioritis .. eesh.
Sex: often. no! female, sorry.
Birthday: 22 june 1980
Zodiac sign: cancer
Location: london, england, uk.
Height: 5'6"
Hair color: black
Eye color: hazel
Siblings: many. i have 3 half-sisters and 4 half-brothers.
Parents names: my mom is called Ginny. and my grandma is called Shirley. they are my two moms. i am a bastard child ... where is my father? hell if i know.

~*--The Crush Side--*~

Girlfriend or Boyfriend: have a husband i love & adore.
What do you first notice about the opposite sex? face, hair, clothes .. sorry i'm well shallow huh?
Your idea of a perfect date: lots of conversation, and kissing. and snuggly hug cuddle stuff in general.

~*--The Past Side--*~

If you could go back in time, where would you go back? 1940s-1960s new york city or chicago.
Thing you regret after you have done it? the chris fiasco
What did you do yesterday? dragged myself to work, passed thru the workday in a haze, came home, did something i shouldn't have done in a rage on myself, made dinner, watched tv, talked with brett & jo, and went to sleep after some nice time spent with my paul.
Last person you talked to on the phone? uh .. richard when he phoned for jo yesterday.
Last song you listened to? "search & destroy" iggy & the stooges
Television show you wish would re-air? i don't care about television enough to have a preference.

~*--The Future Side--*~

College: maybe.
Occupation: writer.
Dream car: a black mini.
Marriage: trying to keep the one i have.
Kids: yeah. i want some.
Future son's name? damon , camden.
Future daughter's name? moira, siobhan, cerridwen.
Where will you live? somewhere in england or america.
What are you doing tomorrow? going to sit at the GPs office until they decide to see me.

~*--The Favorites Side--*~

Drink: coffee, water.
Alcoholic beverage: jack daniels, rum n coke, red wine [but i drink it too fast & get weepy & sick]
Movie: the virgin suicides, rocky horror picture show, the craft, fight club, american psycho, pretty in pink, legend, labyrinth .. lots of others..
CD: "the holy bible" - manic street preachers, "dog man star" - suede, "ultra" - depeche mode, "black celebration" - depeche mode, "the queen is dead" - the smiths, "the bends" - radiohead, "his n hers" - pulp
Color: black, red, silver, brown, purple, green
Actor: johnny depp, ed norton
Actress: fairuza balk, winona ryder
Day of the week: friday i'm in love...
Holiday: halloween/samhain, beltane
Least Fav Holiday: most secular holidays drive me batty, they're all about money and all.
Number: 9, 22
Cookie: white chocolate
Toothpaste: whatever i end up buying
Ice cream: praline
Candy bar: kinder bueno
Restaurant: outback steakhouse.. too bad it's a 4,000 mile trip to go there now!
Channel: don't have one.
Radio station: don't listen to the radio
Type of music: indie/alternative, goth rock, punk, ska, 80s, classic rock, celtic, synthpop, etc...
Conditioner: that boots organics stuff i use once a week.
Song: "sister of night" - depeche mode, "YES" - msp, "The Asphalt World" - suede, "Nowhere Fast" - the smiths, "Life on Mars?" - david bowie, "Grace" - jeff buckley .. and lots of others.
Sport: basketball, formula one.

~*--The Believe Or Not Side--*~

Do you believe in angels? yes.
Aliens: sort of.
Heaven and Hell? in a spiritualist/wiccan/buddhist way. certainly not in a christian way.
Yourself? no.
God? see "heaven and hell" ..

~*--Have You Ever Side (Answer Yes Or No)--*~

Cried in public? yes.
Climbed a tree? yes.
Fell asleep in a movie? no.
Met a celebrity? not really .. met the mediaeval baebes.
Met the president? no.
Been scared to get a shot? yes.
Gotten a cavity? yes!
Shopped at Abercrombie and Fitch? hell no, what do you take me for??
Had an online relationship? yup.
Made prank calls? no.

~*--What Do You Think Of When You Hear Side--*~

Bill Clinton: fat head.
Lollipops: cherry.
Dreams: bad.
Boy Bands: yuck.
Guys: paul.
Girls: cute.
Death: yes it does happen.

~*--The Which You Rather Side--*~

Dog or Cat? cat.
Purple or Blue? blue.
Chocolate or Vanilla? chocolate.
Pen or Pencil? pen
Plumber or Trashman? trash man.
Tall or Short? tall

~*--Questions That Don't Matter

Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? no
Last time you showered? yesterday
Do you like this survey? yes, i guess.
Do you think Neil Young looks like Curt Cobain? first of all, it's KURT cobain, and no.
Last CD you bought? "Grace" by Jeff Buckley
First CD you bought? ohmygods .. um .. sadly i reckon this was "SPICE" by Spice Girls, because i liked them when i first got a cd player .. ! gah.
How do you eat a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup? i just .. eat it ..
Feelings on an abortion? pro choice.
What does your screename mean? beatchik101 ... i'm a beat chick.. and 101 is for depeche mode of course
What is on your mouse pad? buffy the vampire slayer
What is under your bed? old magazines & old calendars
 
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ok but not before some more damn quizzes   
10:53am 13/04/2002
 
mood: amused


Which Grunge Band Are You?



of course i'm soundgarden!!! i'm still listening to them, they were my favourite band from age 13 til they split up, when i cried a lot over their demise and got into oasis. riiiight. as though that makes any sense whatsoever.


Which British Band Are You?



and, i'm radiohead too. apparently. i used to be manic street preachers but now i'm radiohead. the mind boggles. either way, they're both ace bands.

gah ok whatever bye.
 
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o-oh whatever makes her happy .. on a saturday night ..   
10:12am 13/04/2002
 
mood: restless
um .. ok. why do i take these quizzes?

I'm strange!


How much of a freak are you?



ok, that was pointless. i'm not a freak at all but that quiz deems me strange. eh.

i'm hungry, i need to go to the post office, i need a cigarette, i need another cup of coffee, and i need to put some makeup on. this is all a bit of an improvement -- recognizing these things are what i want. now, doing them would be a feat beyond belief.

well i just paused enough to get more coffee, grab 2 cigs off jo, and get my makeup bag. then i will proceed to put on said make-up, go out, buy my own ciggies, put a cheque in the bank for jo, and go to the post office. as usual the last thing i will be doing is eating.

have i said i am really thankful for this dr appointment i have coming up?

paul asked me why i'm going to the doctor, i said because of my ear [it's either sinuses or some gross-out earwax thing, even tho i clean my damn ears! - but i can't hear out of my right ear properly] ... and then he said oh is that all? and i'm like, well, yeah. he said what about those cuts on your legs? i said ok maybe my ear and other things.. and he says why can't you ever stop lying?? but i lied then because i knew he would tell me i don't need to go to the doctor, because he would try to talk me out of it, because he thinks i feel pain in a fake attention-seeking way. i'm not asking for attention from a doctor or anyone for any other reason than to be happier at some point. and since i spend 90% of my life making myself happy because i care about my friends.. i lost this train of thought somehow. all i know is how i feel, that i've curbed the self-harm for the last few days because i don't want to be like that, and that if you look for help you can't possibly be all that mad, really.

so i'm seeing the doctor for my ear, and for all of my moody-psycho moods & behaviour. i have severe pms every month, that i have been thinking is normal, and jo said no, talk to the doctor about that too because i have it for an entire week and she doesn't. hm. maybe herbal supplements will help that. and maybe talking to someone will help me with self-harm. i just don't want to be having some mental issue. i don't i don't i don't.

i've just got a package of sweets from hannah. she sent them to cheer me, and i love her :smiles:. and with these beautiful poetry quotes all over the envelope. it's good to have friends, even if they live miles away in portugal, or in ohio, or in new york city, or new jersey, or salisbury,uk, or in gravesend, where i'll be moving in about a month.

"honour the past, but welcome the future
and dance your death
away at this wedding
never mind a world
with its villains and heroes
(for god likes girls
and tomorrow
and the earth!)"
-- e.e. cummings

thanks hannah :smiles again:

now i'm going to be off .. and do the things that need doing. living some life, however small at a time.

love & poison .. b.
 
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lying in my bed, watching my mistakes, i listen to the band they said that it could be the 2 of us..   
08:12am 12/04/2002
 
mood: lethargic
well, i've not got much time before i have to go to work. but time to write. there's always time to write.

i'm going to the doctor after all. jo talked me into it. in fact she stood there and gave me the number & while i made the appointment. she said i'm not wasting time if it's a step towards not feeling like this from time to time. we realised that if it doesn't even take an event like this happening to make me feel terribly low, then i might as well see the doctor after all these years! so my appointment is for 22 april, first thing in the morning. i hope i'm ok, or that if i'm not ok, they can tell me what's wrong & help me fix it without pills :/

i'm still a mess to look at. two days ago alison who used to live across the street, came into work and asked me if i was alright. i was like 'Yeah I'm fine alison' .. and she kept asking are you sure? and i just said yeah, i'm tired. and i don't think she believed me. i put make-up on yesterday afternoon and wore a skirt, both for the first time in weeks. but it doesn't matter what i look like because paul will just say "yes you're very pretty to look at but you're not a nice person to me". which is a back-handed compliment/insult i probably deserve. and he's just as bad because he still won't believe i love him & think he's the most wonderful person ever. how much more do i have to do?

then he thinks he's "failed" me if i hurt myself and/or feel bad about myself. he wanted to be my saviour from the very beginning. because when we met i was in such a bad way with everything, and all. he can't get his head around the fact that he DOES help, but it's something in me making me feel like this. and now i feel double that because he is so distant and not sure if he wants to be with me.

i am really grateful for this doctor's appointment.

i've been working on my contributions to dorsia's zine LMAO on nervousness.org. i have plenty of thoughts on sex & what is sexy, but unfortunately they are entwined always with pain & suffering. sex is a beautiful thing but it always makes you hurt at some point, like love. maybe i'm listening to too much suede & pulp. maybe i read too much kerouac.

everything is just poetry to me. life imitates art, or vice versa. i can't separate myself from creating. and creating comes from feelings.

i'm not pessimistic. i don't think i'll always be like this, no matter what i say. but there's beauty even in dejection. i'm a romantic. though it bothers me to feel down, i accept it as just another part of life.

and now i'm off to work. whoo. not a wonderful thing but i'll live. it's only 5 hours of my day.

love & poison .. b.
 
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08:10am 12/04/2002
 

Disney Princesses
Which of the Disney Princesses are you?

 
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08:27am 11/04/2002
 
mood: amused
and these results make little to no sense at all...

I'm so emo!
Take the The "What Teen Label Do You Fit Into Most?" Quiz!
by antiperfect



why? just cos i like weezer and like sad rock songs? i don't get this whole emo thing.


Which Rock Chick Are You?



and this was a shock, cos i'm not all that into tori. hmph. ok.
 
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